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[17 Feb 2014|08:21am]
I ran the farthest I've ever run yesterday - 10 miles. A big HUGE help was having Brad and Ashley join me from mile 3.8 - mile 8. I was tired, but having them running with me was really helpful, so helpful that when I was running back to Jason's, I decided to keep going. I knew I was going to hit 9, but then a little part of me went "well, what if I hit 10?!?!" That's a distance that scared me. If I hit 10, then I could do 11 this weekend and 12 the weekend after, and then I'd still have 2 weeks before the race. Admittedly, just thinking about it is overwhelming. I couldn't have done 10 miles if I had started out going "OK I'm going to run 10 miles. I started by saying "oK, I'm running to Brad and Ashley. Ok, they're going to join me for 4 or so miles. Ok, I'm still a distance from Jason's house, I'm going to keep going." And that's how I did 10, by setting smaller more manageable goals along the way.

I'm definitely going to do 11 this weekend, but when and how is going to be the question. The weather might not cooperate for that run. I'll figure that out when I get a chance.

This morning I could have gone to yoga, but I also couldn't get myself out of bed. After running very far, I wanted to give my body recovery time in the form of sleep. I think I made the right choice. I might try to hit up a yoga class tonight instead. There's a 6pm beginners class that is 90 minutes long that could be really great for me.

I still feel a bit unmotivated to do anything right now. I could have gotten up and dressed and gotten my car and then had some more time to go to the grocery store. Actually, I might do that now. Sometimes it's just hard getting going in the morning. I didn't drink any coffee because I've had it every morning for a while now and I don't want to become reliant on it. I feel about as awake as I normally do just by drinking a lot of water.

Jason and I had a talk or two yesterday about the future and how we're ever going to get a handle on this being in a relationship thing. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to do it. It seems so daunting at times, so impossible. I'm very glad Jason is willing to stick with me while we figure it out, even though sometimes I'm more frustrated with him than I am happy. I think the next year will be very telling for us and we'll know whether or not this is going to work.

I'm off to foam roll and then get up and go get my car. Setting my intention for an open day.
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[13 Feb 2014|08:26am]
I think I've been pushing myself too hard.

I was in bed last night by 10 and then was still having a tough time getting up at 7. I underestimated how tired I was. That's ok, I'll know better for next week. I might "sleep in" tomorrow, too, but I need to go to CL before I go to work so I can begin the application process for Jason's apartment. I can't believe I'm moving in.

I guess Jason and I are still running the race on Saturday. If so, we're going to have to register tonight. I know we can register there, but it's so much easier to just pick up our packet stuff and not worry about the rest.

We're going to Lang Lang tonight, too, and that should be really awesome! If I can stay up, that is.

I should get going so I can go home and shower and get to work relatively on time. Not like there's much for me to do right now, since Dr. Dickinson hasn't gotten back to me. I'll find something to do if I can't get in to meet with her. I have supervision at 12:30. And here we go again....
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[12 Feb 2014|08:13am]
My first morning of planning my day went fairly well, except I completely underestimated the amount of time I would need to complete each task. Below is how I scheduled my morning last night:

6:30 am - Wake up
6:35 - drink 1 glass of water, start coffee
6:40 - make toast, drink coffee, check blogs
6:50 - get dressed, ready to run
7:00 - out the door to run (2 mi)
7:25 - get in shower
7:35 - make smoothie, write LJ post
8:00 - dry hair
8:05 - clean bathroom
8:15 - Dishes
8:30 - get dressed, organize backpack
8:40 - find pic to print and frame for Vday
8:50 - Neaten house, bed
9:00 - meditate
9:10 - pack food, head out the door by 9:15

What my day actually looked like:

6:30 - Hear alarm. Think very seriously about hitting snooze. Play on phone until 8:36
6:36 - Roll out of bed, realize the coffee pot is still dirty, kill some cockroaches, clean coffee pot, start coffee, start toast
6:50 - sit down to eat/drink/check blogs
7:00 - bathroom
7:05 - get dressed to run
7:15 - out the door
7:45 - back, change schedule, get in shower
7:55 - make smoothie
8:00 - sit down and write LJ post
8:20 - dry hair (except I didn't wash it, so extra time for me!)
8:25 - dishes
8:40 - get dressed, organize backpack
8:50 - neaten house, bed
9:00 - meditate
9:15 - pack lunch, out the door by 9:15

So not bad! After I saw how off the mark my times were, I felt comfortable adjusting things around. I had added some things to my morning schedule that weren't imperative to get done, like cleaning my bathroom, and by taking those things out, I have given myself more time and I'll still get to school on time.

My run this morning once again was very cold and it was faster. Since I only did 2 miles, I wanted to do them under 10 minutes. My run ended up looking like 2.03 mi - 19:44 - 9:45/mi. It irks me that people run marathons at that pace, but maybe I'll get there someday. I was tired this morning, but proud of myself for getting out there. There was something so beautiful about seeing the sun rise as I had risen out of my bed and how we were both hazy and getting a good start to our days. Last tuesday I had such trouble about beating myself up. I took some steps after class and last night to help alleviate where I thought the problem was, and that was instead of isolating myself, I hung out with people between classes and really tried to connect. I made a schedule for myself when I got home so that I'd have a plan I could stick to and feel accomplished without doing something that I really didn't want to do (like the dishes, which I'm about to have to do in a minute). So already my Wednesday feels better than it did last week because I had a plan and I stuck to it. Here's to sticking to plans! And here's to a great Wednesday!
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[11 Feb 2014|10:03am]
I'm waiting for my breakfast to cook. I feel bad that I haven't written lately, but the internet keeps pulling my attention in a number of different directions so I haven't focused on my own writing. I keep thinking that I'd like to make a real blog, one where I document my life and what I'm doing, but then I wonder where I would find the time. I have a couple of minutes this morning, though, so I'll try to use them wisely.

Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30 and went to the 6am yoga class at Satya. It was hard, but good. I was glad I did it, though I felt completely exhausted the whole day. I was really glad to go to bed last night. I think it will be a good addition to my running training and a good opportunity to practice getting up early. I think the yoga helped me a lot yesterday in terms of letting myself get warmed up (and open my heart) before I went into work.

This morning, Jason woke me up at 6:30 but I couldn't get up until my alarm went off at 7. Then I putzed for about an hour before I decided to get it in gear and do the dishes / go for a run. And I did. I did the dishes at Jason's and then I got my butt out the door for a run. It was COLD. Weather Channel says it is 29 now, which means it was about 25 when I was out. Feels like 17. And I ran 4.5 miles. Slowly, but I did it. I listened to Jeff Sanders and his interview with Matt Frazier of No Meat Athlete. Part of me wonders how I will ever complete a half marathon. The other half is sure I'll get it done. I don't know which "side" is going to win on this one.

Right now, I'd love to go back to sleep. But I have about 90 minutes before I need to be in to work. I need to finish making breakfast, take my stuff home from Jason's house, dry my hair, change clothes, make a smoothie, and then I can get out of there. It's going to be a long day, especially with my less than stellar classes this afternoon. Even though I'm tired, I feel more accomplished that I woke up, did the things I said I'd do, and ran, than I would if I had slept in.
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Setting Intentions in Relationships [07 Feb 2014|02:47pm]
This is a great article about setting intentions in relationships. While the author is targeting those who have not yet entered a relationship, I see easy transitions for applying it to a current relationship.


What are my intentions in the relationship?
-To extend peace and love.
Every moment I'm not extending peace and love, I'm living at odds with my intentions.
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[07 Feb 2014|09:04am]
I'm watching some of the videos from the High Performance Sessions down in Ocala and it has made me think of some things on my bucket list.

1. Go to Burghley / Badminton
2. Go to Rolex
3. Spend a winter down in Ocala / Aiken just once
4. Go on a horseback riding vacation in a far away place
5. Run a half marathon
6. Run a marathon
7. Run longer than a sprint Triathlon

What are some things I want to do this summer?
1. Hike around Wintergreen
2. Go to the beach a LOT!
3. Become more secure in my counseling practice
4. Prepare for graduation
5. Camp on the Eastern Shore
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[05 Feb 2014|08:40am]
I had a tough time falling asleep last night. I read through some of my old LJ posts and that just threw me for a loop. Then I remembered all the stupid things I said during the day, and was playing over my encounter with Dr. S in the office. I kept hearing Nilsa say, "In my office, people don't talk to each other like that." I didn't realize that he was verbally abusive until she had mentioned that. So I had a lot of self-doubt and anger and had trouble falling asleep. When I woke up, I hit my alarm. I didn't want to wake up at 6:30. I think I subconsciously said, "I don't deserve to do things that are good for me. Now sleep and wake up feeling awful about yourself." And I did. I slept late and then couldn't get out of bed. My plan was shot to shit. But I finally did, I cleared a space to do some core exercises, and I felt better. Then I did the dishes, and I felt even better. I'm running slightly behind, but I won't be late.

Today is my first day of working with a group at the CSB. It's their final day, so it's doubtful that anything big will be happening, but at least it's another 1.5hrs of direct hours.

I'm tremendously disappointed by my classes this semester. I can't believe I'm paying to have someone who is incompetent teach me, as well as someone who just stalls because he can't make up his mind what he wants to talk about. I want to be learning something and I don't think I am. I look forward to seeing Brett tomorrow for supervision so that I can talk to him about it and maybe something will come of it. I know what Kevin said, and it's good advice. I should really try to do it.

Ok, it's time for work now. I feel better now that I did something.

Oh - one last thing. Jason and I are moving in together and it's really anxiety provoking for both of us, but more than that, I realized that I don't feel good unless he's around. I don't have that wellspring of confidence and assuredness when I stay by myself. I need to find that before we move in together. I need to wake up sure of myself before I rely on him to make that feeling for me. Because what if it goes away and I blame him? I've got to start loving myself more. Easier said than done, but I'll do it. I have to. I deserve it.
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[04 Feb 2014|10:54am]
This morning was a good run.

I was asleep by 10 last night (meets my goal of lights out by 10) but had trouble getting out of bed when my alarm went off at 6:30. Hit it until 7. Played on my phone. Made dinner for tonight and ate it for breakfast. Then I pulled my lazy self out the door and onto a run.

Let me tell you, I had low hopes for this run. I only managed to run 1.5 miles on Sunday before my hip started hurting and I decided to turn back. This time, I got 1.5 miles in, my hip went "uhhh maybe," and I just kept going. Mile 2 passed, and I was halfway home. Mile 3 came, and I still felt good. My schedule suggested a 4.5 mile run, but I didn't want to push it just in case I was hurting. I checked my phone and changed my podcast at mile 3.5 and felt ambitious enough to keep running. I took a slight detour to get back to my house and finished with 4.65 m at 10:38/min pace. I was freaking thrilled. That's the fastest I've run that distance AND I haven't run consistently for 3 weeks AND my hip hurt on Sunday.

Pre-run food:
Orzo salad that I made for dinner
Two slices sesame toast w/ sunbutter and half a banana sliced on each
Cup of espresso (more water to make it an americano)
2-3 glasses of water

I felt really full, but I didn't feel loaded down from the food. I think next time I'd like to experiment running before I eat and see how that goes (but definitely re-hydrate).

Run Jamz:
The 5am Miracle Podcast Episode 2 and half Episode 3

Jeff is super encouraging and while the music is pretty hokey it actually gives me energy while I'm running. Episode two featured an interview with a dietician with the place I'll look up later. Episode 3 was about the benefits of a standing desk and why you should never sit. Hmm... I'll finish that episode either tomorrow morning with a quick 2m run or as I take a walk at work!
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[03 Feb 2014|07:47am]
It's been years since I've written, but Molly said I should start a food blog, and until I have a better name, I'll just use my old LJ. I'm also up early this morning - earlier than usual for me at least. Jason left at 6:30 and I was up not long after that. I subscribed to the 5am Miracle Podcast and now I'm trying to do something about it. Slowly waking up earlier and earlier is a goal of mine so that I can start going to 6am yoga at Satya on Mondays and then use the mornings to supercharge my day on Tuesdays-Fridays. I like being up early, I have more time to get things done and more time to wake up. The coffee helps.

I feel like I'm just prattling on this morning without anything to say.

Maybe I could start with my intentions for the day?

I intend for learning and opportunity to come my way at work and during my practicum supervision time.
I intend for a suitable client to become available for me today or this week.
I intend to be positive, have high energy, and remain open during the day.
I intend to let creativity move through me this afternoon as I plan a menu for the week.
I intend to be open and loving to my partner when we are together.

Is that too many intentions? I don't know. I'm going to cook breakfast and think on it.

I listened to a podcast and did the dishes while I figured out what I wanted to eat. It was an easy morning, though I started to feel tired again while I was unloading the dishwasher. I don't want the answer to be more coffee, but I also don't want to be a crank-pot during the day. We will see how it goes during my site today.
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Can You Tell? [23 Oct 2011|09:30pm]
Have I been to discreet?
How long am I supposed to wait?
I think about you nightly
Oh can you tell I'm losing sleep?

What am I supposed to do?
It's hard to stay cool
When you smile at me
And I get nervous every time you speak

My bed's too big for just me
When you turn your eyes
I promise I won't care
Standing by your sister fair

Oh baby baby baby please
My heart sinks to my feet
What am I supposed to do?
I think about you nightly

My bed's too big for just me
When you turn your eyes
I promise I won't care
Standing by your sister fair

My bed's too big for me
When you turn your eyes
I promise I won't care
Standing by your sister fair

When I look into your eyes
I tend to lose my thoughts
Don't forget your stare
Oh what was that you said
Would you let me know
'Cause I can't read your mind
Oh can you tell
I can't even explain

Oh baby I can't even explain
What am I supposed to do
It's hard to stay cool
When you smile at me
And I get nervous every time you speak
Oh, standing by your sister fair
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You Can Do Better Than Me [23 Oct 2011|09:26pm]
I'm starting to feel
We stayed together out of fear of dying alone
I've been slipping through the years
My old clothes don't fit like they once did
So they hang like ghosts of the people I've been

It's like my heart can't be tamed
I fall in love every day
And I feel like a fool

I have to face the truth
That no one could ever look at me like you do
Like I'm something worth holding on to

There's times I think of leaving
But it's something I'll never do

'Cause you can do better than me
But I can't do better than you
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So as to not forget [08 Apr 2011|09:13pm]
Sonetto XXX

Through your clear eyes I view a beauteous light,
That my dark sight would ever seek in vain ;
With your firm steps a burden I support,
Which my weak power was never used to bear.
I soar aloft, unplumed, upon your wings,
By your intelligence to heaven am raised ;
Your smile or frown maketh me pale or red,
Cold in the sun, warm 'mid severest chills.
In your will is mine own will ever fixed ;
My thoughts find birth and growth within your heart ;
My words are from your spirit only drawn ;
And like the moon, alone in heaven, I seem,
That to our eyes were indiscernible,
Save by that light which from the sun proceeds.
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I keep these words with me [01 May 2010|11:52pm]
[ mood | sad ]

because someone told me that I won't change.

you have to be honest. I think you have spent a lot of your life running away from totally honest. if it is small, and everyone knows everyone, then you can't be grades of honest

you have to be completely.

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[07 Dec 2009|05:55pm]
[ mood | happy ]

I went and picked up 'A New Earth' and then went to Piazza di Santa Maria to read it. A family sat on the steps of the fountain below me and the children started playing hide and seek and telling knock knock jokes, or 'tock tock' jokes. 'Tock tock!' 'Chi e'?' Adorable. The sky was blue, the sun was setting, it was chilly, but not biting. The clouds had just taken on the most beautiful orange fired color and I was at peace.

I am making dinner for the boys tonight to say thanks and also to spend some time with them before they leave. My paper is due Wednesday afternoon and I'm nervous because I just want it to be right, but I'm also hopeful because I'm making great breakthroughs in this paper. I'm learning a lot about myself as I write this paper.

Last night I went to Ariels and we made cookies and pancakes. It was so lovely to be over there for a little while, having fun, smiling and laughing.

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[25 Nov 2009|07:59pm]
[ mood | tired ]

As I like to put it, for the past week or so it's been homesickness round 2. Yuck.

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[24 Nov 2009|09:55am]
[ mood | hungry ]

Why do you have faith? Because you can't explain love.

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[22 Nov 2009|11:59pm]
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[13 Nov 2009|10:04am]
[ mood | awake ]

Last night I made a plan and so far it looks like I'm really sticking to it.

The plan was to wake up around 9:30 and go to the market to get some yummies for this weekend, then on the way home stop by that awesome shoe store and get some chucks and a puffy jacket because my peacoat does absolutely nothing for me, come back here, eat some lunch, go to the library until I Ariel is done with her group work and then we go watch Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice and eat dinner and then what? That I don't know. But I have a lot of homework and projects to work on today and the next three weekends I'm going to be gone, (Amsterdam, Sardinia, Munich), and I have a lot due in the next three weeks. Plus I finally switched rooms so I live with Sara and Lizz lives with Robin so I have to put all my stuff in the room today, they moved me out last night while I was gone.

I've been feeling off recently, just like off balance in the scheme of things. Still love Rome, love love love Rome, just something's a bit off with me. Not Rome. Roma is perfect. I love Italian and speaking and learning and practicing. Italian is the best thing to ever happen to me.

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[04 Nov 2009|09:16pm]
Right now the rain is falling against the windows and Babel Gilberto is singing to me in Portuguese. Sometimes, things are just alright.
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[01 Oct 2009|01:49pm]
[ mood | tired ]

It is October.

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